Friends, fellow mango people and wannabe social media stars. Today I am going to teach you how to make viral posts which will get millions of Likes, Shares and Subscribes on social media. I, Superpower Swamy must use his super powers to help the mango people of Mangoville live rich, meaningful lives with purpose. Instead of wasting time looking at posts of other influencers, you should become an influencer yourself. Then Mangoville will become the most influential country in the world and we will also be able to topple governments anywhere we want, starting with our very own Supreme Leader.
The first rule in Swamy’s book (which he plagiarised from Bhayankar Baba) is to not appear that you are trying too hard. Like this ad of Denim after shave lotion. You don’t want people to think you are desperately trying to sell. You need to look effortless. It is an art and like all arts you become better as you practice. Incorporate this principle in your daily life – don’t try to make too much of an effort for anything.
Using Denim may have unpredictable side effects. Like random women trying to steal money from your shirt pocket, failing to reach the target and accidentally unbuttoning your shirt.
– Mangoville Handbook of Important Warnings
Next lesson from Swamy is to post about something useful, something that people care about. Who is interested in how to learn Programming to make a living or Taekwondo for self defence against rowdies? Instead you should make videos about:
This tip from Swamy is extremely important. This is real insider stuff that can catapult you to social media stardom in a matter of few posts. Listen carefully – Go to an area of high elevation. Like some hill or the terrace of a 25 storey building. Now you need to stand on your head so that your phone is pointed upside down. Then post whatever that you were planning to post. When you post like this, the phone signal travels from top to down and social media apps think it is God that is posting from heavens. Such posts automatically become trending.
This proves that Superpower Swamy is stupid. What is the need to stand on your head when you can just hold your phone in an upside down position and do the same thing
– Supreme Leader
This last tip from Swamy is make or break. You should never tell your audience to Like, Share, Follow, Subscribe or any such useless actions. Swamy’s breakthrough research shows that when you say such things, certain hormones called Resistomones get triggered in the brains of your audience. Those who were about to perform any such action feel a sudden urge to click on some other post that is not yours, or even chuck away their phones / laptops. The origins of this behaviour are uncertain, but Swamy has reasons to believe that in ancient China monks used to say these words a lot and translated to Mandarin they meant “Stop wasting my goddam time and bother someone else”. Over centuries it has become part of human DNA. Only very few people like me with superpowers know about this.
I have realised that this post itself has become very useful and chances that it may be buried under useless posts are very high. I don’t have any superpowers yet to unearth such posts when the inevitable happens. But stay connected to Superpower Swamy’s channel for more updates and one day you may learn new tricks. Until then friends, like thoko, subscribe karo aur Swamy kok apna pyaar bhejo.