Public Notice
I have stupendous news to share with all you citizens of Baiganpally ! Maximum Mojo Motors (MMM), the largest automobile company in Mangoville is planning to set up another factory, this time in Baiganpalli. They have asked me to allocate land for the factory. But it is not as straightforward as it sounds. They are also exploring options in neighbouring Totapuri, whose local administration is deemed to be more business friendly. According to Mr. Mojo Mahalingam, the CMD of MMM, there are too many people offering their unsolicited opinion in Baiganpally and very few actually willing to do any work. Since I am the President of entire Mangoville and not just Baiganpally, I will be equally happy to let them set up their factory in Totapuri. However, I want to give a chance to the armchair experts of Baiganpally to prove that their city is not just the political capital but also the economic engine of Mangoville. All of you are aware that I have a soft corner for Baiganpally, because I hold additional charge as Mayor of the city apart from being the Supreme Leader of Mangoville. The argumentative and non cooperative nature of the people of this city has prevented me from handing over the charge to a local representative.
Ok. Enough of lecturing and back to important things. I am requesting all resident armchair experts to tell me who will lead the way in ensuring that MMM gets off the blocks as quickly as possible and makes Baiganpally the automobile capital of the world. Send me your proposals on why you are the right person to lead this project. If you can successfully facilitate MMM, I will happily relinquish my position as Mayor in your favour.
–Supreme Leader
After sending the above communication, I received responses from all the usual suspects. Let us see what expertise they have to offer.
Dear Mysterious Admin, spoken like a true Baiganpallian. Being the earliest resident is not a qualification to lead this project. Please come up with better credentials
– Supreme leader
Dear Superpower Swamy,
I asked for credentials and you are sending me conditions. For your information, you are not the rightful owner of the ashram land and hence there is no question of you donating it. The property has been sealed until further notice. Secondly, there will be no relaxation on the ban on wearing micro undies on Mangomalai hilltop. Lastly, your superpowers are ineffective at best and counterproductive at worst. If you have any useful powers that will help the project, please send me a brief. By brief I mean a document and not your micro undies.
-Supreme Leader
Dear Aunty Opinion,
I wish you had shared your own credentials to lead this project instead of belittling others. Your fictional interviews of Pablo Escobar and Fidel Castro were a disaster and exposed your superficial knowledge. I also need to remind you that less educated people like Rickshaw Rowdy and Fruity Farookh are also eligible to be considered for this role. Mangoville is an equal opportunity employer and lack of ability to communicate perfectly in English will not be considered a handicap.
-Supreme Leader
Dear Mango Mishra,
Such a long message to convey that you are declining an offer that has never been made to you. Sour grapes eh? You know that your inability to balance a Balance Sheet is legendary and if MMM sets up a major factory in the city, they are not going to offer you any job. Mojo Mahalingam is an achiever and you are a loser. Aunty Opinion is right about you. So thanks, but no thanks.
-Supreme Leader
Dear Handyman Harry,
All your attempts to help Baby Malini escape have been miserable failures and thank god for it. The logistical abilities that you boast of are a result of your connections with your gangster brother Nefarious Narry. I refuse to involve criminals in this project. Also, your laptop repair skills are of no use here. While I admire your ambition and have nothing against your young age or lack of experience, your motivation (i.e. Baby Malini) is misplaced.
-Supreme Leader
Dear Fruity Farookh,
While I have always appreciated your hardworking and jugaadu spirit, this is a big project and you need to expand your horizons beyond petty things like tax dodging and selling QC rejected stuff to unsuspecting customers. The mobile handset you sold me last month is behaving in mysterious fashion. I keep seeing a new wallpaper of Kakoli the Kat on my screen every day. Whatever you have done with it before selling, I will find out.
-Supreme Leader
Dear Snoopy Susie,
I appreciate your concerns, but not everything is a detective assignment. In any case, the objective of being a project lead is to facilitate the setting up of the factory, not scuttle the project. The Vigilance Commission will take care of the due diligence. And Mojo Mahalingam does not look like a crook.
-Supreme Leader
Dear Macho Murugan,
There will not be any thousands of people to hit with danda. We just want to make sure that MMM gets the required facilitation. It is not our job to manage construction of the factory either. They will do it themselves. I also recommend that you change your profile picture because you are not scaring anyone.
-Supreme Leader
Dear Rickshaw Rowdy,
I had promised myself that I will give you a fair chance, but you don’t seem to learn. Please grow up and do something more productive than politics at the rickshaw stand. If I make you the project manager you will first make a union of workers even before workers have arrived.
-Supreme Leader
To be continued…