People wonder why I am called Mysterious Admin. Is it just a ruse meant to trick people into believing that I am an interesting character? Or is the because I do my job as an Admin in a mysterious manner? Maybe the Supreme Leader wants that people should be scared of the Admin and calling him Mysterious lends him a sinister aura? I will keep you guessing, but I want to tell you that I was not always mysterious, and like you I had a regular job one. I quit it because of fundamental disagreements with my boss on what my role in the organization was. You can say it was getting quite mysterious (pun intended). The day I quit I had an interesting conversation with my boss, which went something like this:
Boss: From today your title will be growth hacker
Me: But I don’t know anything about hacking!
Boss: Its got nothing to do with hacking. It is part of our new strategy to give ambiguous titles to employees so that we can blame everything on them
Me: My title is already very ambiguous
Boss: When you are not hacking growth, you will do AI Evangelism
Me: I am not a religious person
Boss: It has nothing to do with religion. Your job is to convert technology laggard customers to AI users. Someone’s got to use all those algorithms we are creating, no?
Me: But our customers are dairy farmers
Boss: Even better. They should be able to predict how many cows are going to lactate this year.
Me: They already know it without using any technology. They are the ones who get the bulls to mate with the cows.
Boss: Then sell them our smart inventory system, which predicts how much livestock feed to order based on cow movement patterns.
Me: Animals eat what is sufficient for them. They are not greedy and choosy like us. It is very predictable
Boss: If you get us new customers we will promote you to Senior Assistant Deputy Executive Vice President.
Me: I though I already was.
Boss: No. You are currently Assistant Deputy Senior Vice President.
Me: I need to speak to HR
Boss: We have re-designated them as the Happiness Department. They don’t entertain grumpy employees anymore.
Me: Happiness is supposed to the output, not the input for the department
Boss: For someone not delivering results, you cannot talk about output.
Me: That’s because my hands are tied. My travel budget has been axed. Dairy farmers don’t do virtual meetings
Boss: I have asked the Monetary Resources Optimization team to look into it.
Me: I am assuming that’s the new name for the Finance department
Boss: No that’s our new vendor. Our Finance department is now pitching for outsourcing work. They will do accounting work for other companies. I have decided to make them a profit centre.
Me: Anything else that I need to know?
Boss: Yes. You will now get your salary 100% in stock. Subsistence rations will be delivered to your house once a week.
Me: But we just delisted from the stock exchange. How do I know what my stock is worth?
Boss: We are developing an algorithm to figure that out. That is your new project.