The heat is just terrible. Yesterday some Instagrammers were trying to fry an egg on the bonnet of a black BMW. While flipping it the paint got scratched and the egg also wasn’t cooked. That is one expensive uncooked egg. The Met department has said that the heat wave will continue for another seven days, after which it will intensify and become a heat tsunami. People are getting angry at the Met department for this bad news and asking them to predict rain instead. They are upset that it is raining in neighbouring Totapuri but not in Baiganpally. People’s misery is compounded by the fact that price of beer is up by 25% because of the war in Ukraine. Our local manufacturer Chuddy-Buddy Breweries has issued a statement saying their barley is imported from Ukraine and Russians have confiscated the cargo. Last time they raised their prices they claimed their barley is grown in Yemen, before that in Syria and even before that in Afghanistan.
International news has become rather boring. Everything and everyone is so predictable. We need some interesting people on the scene. When Supreme Leader makes me the External Affairs Minister of Mangoville, I need to have a full and productive schedule on my overseas jaunts. Who wants to meet sleepy old Biden or messy Boris who cannot even comb his hair properly? It would be so much better to meet Pablo Escobar and Fidel Castro. Alas they are all dead. I should have been born 30 years earlier. Imagine Pablo and Aunty Opinion at a sea facing villa in Colombia discussing geopolitics:
Aunty: Hey Pablo, welcome to Colombia
Pablo: Eh? I should be welcoming you to Colombia. You are the guest.
I heard that you were hiding in Peru and returned only last night. Only for this interview. I am so happy.
Actually I ran out of money so I had to come back. When I returned they told me some old aunty is refusing to leave unless I speak to her. I said what the heck, lets speak to her. Would you like some coke?
Ahem! Yes diet coke would be fine
Our regular coke also has no calories. Try some.
Ok. Now tell me, why don’t you run for the post of UN president? You are so popular
Muchas gracias. You are very kind madam. Have they legalized coke at the UN?
I am trying to get a meeting with George. I am hopeful I can push for your candidature.
You mean old Georgio, our butcher? I didn’t know he has such connections
Er, I mean Bush, the POTUS? Ring a bell?
Ah, I see, you are smoking some very high quality stuff madam. Where do you get it from? Please share with Pablo also. I make you my partner. 20% sounds good to you?
Ok that may not have gone as intended, but the meeting with Fidel would surely go better:
Aunty: Ola Comandante ! You are looking more handsome than ever
Fidel: Er, do I know you?
I am Aunty Opinion, everyone’s Aunty. I was going to Bahamas, but my cruise ship got diverted to Cuba because of bad weather. So I thought I will make the most of the opportunity
Hmm. Bad weather Eh? But no bad weather in Cuba. Only sunshine. Pure communist sunshine. Everyone is so equal and happy.
You have been chief for a long time now. Don’t you think someone else should lead the country?
Our economy has contracted by 20%. When it contracts by another 20% I will step down.
Excellent! You can come to India. Our communists are dying. We need a revival
So you also like communism Madame?
No, I just want some fight. It is getting too one sided. No fun.
Castro tired of fighting madam. Tired of fighting and making babies. I hear that you get toddy in Kerala and good old communists like it. Is that true? Can I become boss of Kerala?
Yes, as long as you can keep quiet about your religious beliefs. They are very religious in Kerala, you see? And you must also learn to appreciate jackfruit.
No way madam. Castro can start worshipping god, but no can worship jackfruit. Here we use jackfruit to break the heads of our enemies. No way.
Well you can see that was going well until I mentioned jackfruit. But you can see my potential and ability to lead conversations with world leaders. If they make me President of the world, first thing I will do is tackle climate change. It is getting hotter and hotter every year. I will start by replacing the entire team of Meteorologists all over the world with scientists who can predict good weather. Good prediction is half the battle won. Tell the people that it will rain tomorrow and they will be happy. Who cares if it does not rain? People have such short memory. Our Chuddy-Buddy Breweries has been changing its alleged source of barley for 2 decades now. Does anyone remember what reason they gave last time for increasing prices? People are also hypocrites. They will complaint about rising beer prices and then drink more and more beer. Sab chalta hai.
Aunty Opinion is becoming a bit of an embarrassment. She cannot recognise the Netflix actor from Pablo Escobar or Che Guevara from Fidel Castro. And she expects to be appointed the External Affairs Minister. Tell me what should I do? She is simply giving me pain all the time.
– Supreme Leader