I am losing my bearings. I mean how many new years are possible? Last week at the beginning of Navaratri my mother called me and wished me new year, simultaneously expressing displeasure at my old habit of not remembering anything. Now someone is telling me that today is new year. On social media everyday someone is wishing new year, saying that in their state it is different. I don’t care. The Banana Republic of Mangoville was founded on 1st April and for me that is new year. Period. It is easy to remember. I got my first job on 1st April, the financial year starts on 1st April, I get my annual performance report on 1st April and there is something else also on 1st April that I cannot remember. Thank god there are only 365 days in a year so we can’t have more than 365 new year celebrations. If everyone decides to have their own new year we have had it.
Supreme Leader says it is because of this anti-social attitude of mine that I was made admin. He needed some emotionless fellow disconnected from society and culture so that the job could be performed efficiently and impartially. That is nonsense. I am not anti-social. I just don’t like to remember too many dates, because the more dates there are to remember, the more you forget and the more people get offended. I have Bengali, Tamil, Kannada, Oriya, Marathi, Punjabi and Hindi speaking friends and at least one friend from each community is offended because I didn’t wish them happy new year, while I can be seen spamming people on 1st January. Best thing to do is change the new year to 29th February. At least that way people will get offended only once in 4 years.
Out of curiosity I tried to do some research on why we have so many new years. The explanations were confusing at best and downright threatening at worst:
When Shani is at 57 degrees with respect to Rahu and Brihaspati is at its farthest distance from Ketu, then strong solar winds create a storm on the surface of Shukra, which leads to gold dust being scattered all across the solar system. When the gold dust gathers into a ball the size of Mangal, it is visible to the naked eye from Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania. A holy sage relays the spotting through a Twitter update. Over time multiple sages have claimed spotting on different days, and that is why the date differs based on which sage you believe
– Ancient Wisdom
If you thought that was a lot of work, you should read what some other sources have to say
Moorkh! You shall prostrate in front of the mirror and wait till a crack appears! From between the crack a light will shine, a light so powerful that it will blind anyone who does not wear extra dark sunglasses. Hang a calendar on the wall opposite. Whichever day the light points to, is the new year. If it points to some place that does not contain a date, you are cursed. Find an ancient well and jump into it immediately
– Mangoville Handbook of Ancient Threats
Don’t ask me how long one is supposed to prostrate because the source does not provide any estimate. Don’t try to cheat by buying a cheap mirror that will crack easily. The light may become so powerful that it will burn you. You must be wondering how I know this. Well, it is mentioned in an extremely small footnote that I had to read under a microscope. It is clear that they want you to cheat.