Today we meet Malyaj Kaloni. He is a nobody. He was just eating a butter masala dosa at an Udupi restaurant. I grabbed him by the collar to give me this interview.
Aunty: Hello Malyaj. You seem to like butter masala dosa a lot
Malyaj: How do you know it was butter masala dosa and not ordinary masala dosa?
Aunty: You look like a guy who likes butter. Hehe. You were complaining to the cashier that dosas in Mumbai dosas are better than in Baiganpally. Tell us something about your life in Mumbai.
Malyaj: Yes. I worked in many locations in Mumbai but had 3 favorites. One of them was in the 19th floor of Air India building (the office didn’t belong to Air India). For those unfamiliar with the building, it is the most prominent building on Marine Drive and has been shown in countless shots of Mumbai, lit up in green during the evening. There were few better city views in India that time than a 19th floor view of Mumbai from Marine Drive. It was built in 1974 but felt like it has been there forever, watching over Mumbai. Our office had carpeted floors and cabins were done up in wood. There were no cubicles, only large heavy wooden desks and everyone could see everyone playing Solitaire. It was a typical upscale office from old Bollywood movies where some cunning Seth Ghanshyam Das with a topi would be sitting with Ajit in goggles and plotting how to smuggle the next consignment of gold from Victoria Harbour, smoking cigar and smirking at the ant like people on the roads below.
Aunty: Did you ever smoke cigar in your office
Malyaj: No chance. I was not well paid that time, even by that time’s standards and for drinks we mostly went to an extraordinary place called Gokul. It was walkable from Air India building and the walk would take you past some of the most beautiful parts of Mumbai. The exact street where it was located was actually a crappy backyard sort of area just behind Taj Hotel. I could say that Gokul was not a bar, it was an institution, but that would be very copy cat and not amount to much. Gokul was the Old Monk of bars, a cult shrine dedicated to process of consuming alcohol. It had the cheapest liquor prices in Mumbai (unless you drank naarangi) and okayish food. They didn’t bother with the food because across the extremely narrow street were the iconic Bade Miyan and Baghdadi and it was a given that their customers would eat dinner at one of those places. Gokul was all about mass production and ran like a Toyota factory. In all my visits to the place I could never figure out how many sections they had and what was their seating capacity. In typical Mumbai style, many sections were hidden and became visible only when other sections were full and the waiter ushered you into another place you never thought could exist in the same tiny building.
Aunty: Interesting. In Mumbai the service in restaurants is always quick
Malyaj: No matter how crowded Gokul was (and it was always packed to capacity), service was without exception super fast and courteous. If the waiter arrived and you didn’t place the order within 3 seconds he would go to another table. He would come back within few seconds without any grudge, in a posture which suggested that he would leave in another 3 seconds. No waiter carried any order slip. Like all old time waiters they remembered your order perfectly. When the order arrived, it would be placed on the table quickly. Bottles were almost banged on the table and no one was offended. Everyone appreciated the efficiency. No free chakhna (tidbits) was served with the booze but at those prices no one complained. Being in the heart of Colaba the place was popular with backpackers, dopeheads and foreign students. On one occasion I saw an African woman storm into the bar angrily to confront a group of African guys who were drinking away to glory till then. Some shouting match ensued in their language and ended with the woman pouring a full pitcher of beer on to the head of one of the guys. Since his head was shaved it didn’t absorb any beer which all fell to the floor. The staff cleaned up without a fuss. They were use to a lot of over drinking, vomiting and broken bottles.
Aunty: If my memory serves me well, there used to be a kabab joint outside Gokul
Malyaj: You must be referring to Bade Miyan. It was difficult to avoid Bade Miyan or Baghdadi after few rounds of drinks. It may not appear so, but the 2 are actually contrasting sort of establishments. Bade Miyan is a street food joint with plastic chairs thrown around on footpaths which are rarely cleaned. The food is over priced and service bordering on arrogant. The food itself is great but like most hugely successful food places it attracts its share of criticism. The neighbouring Baghdadi is a conventional small budget restaurant with covered seating. It is a sort of Gokul of non veg food in terms of prices. While Bade Miyan serves mostly kababs, Baghdadi does not serve kababs. Its like a territory demarcation done between 2 rivals. The food at Baghdadi is honest food and served quickly although sometimes the old waiters could get a bit grumpy. They are famous for their huge rotis of which one is generally enough. Once I greedily ordered two and regretted it. It is difficult to imagine that such an area exists right behind Taj Hotel and just a few steps away from other upscale places like Cafe Leopold and Cafe Mondegar, but then entire Mumbai is such a place.
Aunty: All this talk has made me thirsty and hungry. I need to fix up something for myself. Are you going to order some Kesari bath?
Malyaj: Yes. But I will not share it with you. You have already taken up too much of my time.